


The Three Way Swap (Or why we’re really going to kill Hanji this time…)

by Sexycanofsoup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-12-04
Packaged: 2018-02-04 02:42:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1763231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Erwin's week long trip to the capital, Levi is finally looking forward to spending time with the man he loves. Unfortunately, Hanji, who's been itching to take a crack at another experiment ever since her privileges were suspended, can't resist ruining the potentially amorous evening by serving questionable beverages and dragging poor blameless Eren into the mix. To her amazement, Hanji sees that her plan to body swap the three men is a success. The others aren't quite so amused. With Erwin inhabiting the short captain's body, and Levi stuck in the body of a recruit, that leaves Eren in the body of the commander of the Survey corps. Though Levi would like nothing more than to stuff Hanji down the gullet of a titan, he knows he'll need her help to turn them back, all while keeping the swap a secret from others who would like nothing more than to strip Hanji of her soldier status for good.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter one:

Levi was leaning lightly against Erwin’s chest when he caught sign of none other than Eren Jaeger dawdling in the doorway.

“The fuck is _he_ doing here?” Levi demanded, wrenching up so suddenly he heard something in his back crack.

The answer to that question was most clearly answered in the cackle that Hanji let out at that moment.

Levi felt all the alarm bells go off in his head at the sound. He’d learned from much and varied experience that Hanji’s glee rarely, if ever, coincided with his own interests.

“Come on in, Eren,” She called out, reaching over to the decanter on the side table and snatching up several glasses, “Now we can finally get this party started.”

“We?” Levi demanded, feeling less charitable than he normally did toward Titans.

“Eren?” Erwin asked, the commotion having just woke him up from the light doze he was taking on the couch.

“P-party?” Eren stammered, looking around widely. “I’m here because I was told that Captain Levi wanted me.”

Levi had to let a snort fly free with that one. “Jaeger, the day I want you is the day I’m turned into a frog with a penchant for line dancing.”

“But--”

“Okay, so I lied,” Hanji admitted, jumping to her feet with the kind of enthusiasm Levi knew he’d never be able to emulate, “But what does that matter? We can all get along, can’t we?” she asked, pushing glasses of wine into both Erwin and Levi’s hands before crossing the room to hand one to a started looking Eren.

“No,” Levi answered grumpily.

“Oh come on, Levi--where’s your spirit of humanity?”

“Being digested currently by a Titan, probably,” the short captain answered dismissively before turning his face toward a far more interesting matter--the face of the man he loved.

“Make them go away,” he huffed toward his attentive commander.

“Levi, I can’t just--”

“I said” Levi breathed, pushing his hand into Erwin’s lap and squeezing the man’s crotch while his body screened the movement from view, “Make them go away.”

Levi was the only one close enough to catch the slight dilation of Erwin’s pupils and barely perceptible quickening of his breath.

“Levi…”

Before the larger man could launch his objection, Levi seized advantage of the situation by taking hold of Erwin through his pants and stroking up the man’s length (which was already beginning to come to life with keen interest). “It’s in your best interest that you do so,” Levi purred, knowing what an absolute sucker Erwin was for what the larger man had dubbed his “sexy voice.”

Levi watched Erwin’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed, and he couldn’t help the smirk that spread across his face as a result. After all these years he still had it.

Unfortunately what was sure to be his glaring victory was interrupted once again by the ultimate cockblocker aka Hanji his best, and craziest friend in the known world.

“Oh don’t listen to the grumpy horndog and come sit down,” she said to Eren as she pushed him into the room (and none too gently either). She gestured toward the seat she’d just vacated. “Sit, sit, god you people are so stiff you look like you were just chiseled out of marble.”

Levi made a mental note to take a crap on some of her experimental data later, not that there would be that much to find. She’d been temporarily suspended from doing experiments after the last one had blown up pretty badly--the chief advisor in the military police had barked for a week and they hadn’t been able to get the stains off his skin for nearly a month. They had locked up Hanji’s lab two weeks ago and she still had more than a month left to her sentence. Levi actually had felt pretty bad about that. Sure, she’d gotten them into trouble countless times, but there was something about the way that Hanji smiled when she was neck deep in illegal experiments that warmed Levi’s heart.

However his sympathy for her didn’t extend so far as to allow her to do whatever it was she was currently trying to accomplish. He didn’t know what it was, but because it was Hanji, and it involved Eren, he was sure it was nothing good. He understood that she was bored, but he wanted to ask that she kindly leave him out of it. Besides, he hadn’t seen Erwin all week since the commander had needed to attend an annual budget conference in the inner city and Levi had needed to stay behind to keep an eye on things. Needless to say his sexual frustration was of far greater importance to him than the brat who needed almost as much supervision as Hanji did.

He glared daggers into Eren’s face as the boy meekly walked to the chair and slipped into it with wincing trepidation. He knew that the kid had been tricked into coming here, but Levi wasn’t about to let that stop him from dumping his foul mood onto the boy.

“Eren, why don’t you--”

Hanji held up a hand. “Stop right there Levi. Eren is our guest, and we should treat him as such.”

“I didn’t even say anything!”

“You were about to go tell him to grab something and shove it up his ass.”

Levi blinked. Sometimes the uncanny way Hanji read his mind was scarily accurate. But he quickly schooled his features into an expression of seeming innocence, and then leaned back against Erwin’s chest. He didn’t care that Eren was hear, and that he usually shielded his relationship with the commander from the recruits’ eyes. He had missed the man too much to worry about propriety now. Erwin understood this without verbal communication, and so draped his arm over Levi’s shoulders, pulling him a bit more snuggly against him.

Though Levi couldn’t see Erwin’s face, he must have given Hanji a look, because she made a face and said, “Hey, if he’s old enough to risk his life for humanity, he’s old enough for a drink. Don’t be all grandpa-ish about it.”

Levi scowled. Erwin was allowed to be as grandpa-ish as he wanted. At least where Hanji was concerned. With _him_ Erwin was only allowed to be a virile stallion.

“How does she _do_ that?” Erwin whispered to his little captain, referring to Hanji’s mind reading abilities.

“Witchcraft,” Levi answered without missing a beat, “And of course the only solution to that is burning at the stake.”

“I’ll go get the firewood,” Erwin said agreeably.

“Are you two seriously plotting my murder _again_?” Hanji groaned, “That’s the fifth time _today_.”

“Yes, well, you _have_ been rather annoying of late,” Erwin pointed out, reminding Levi of why he allowed the man to screw him in the ass on a nearly nightly basis. It always turned him on when Erwin pulled out his asshole side. (And Erwin was intensely aware of this, of course.)

“You guys are mean. I should have invited Moblit,” she said with a pout.

“Yes,” Levi agreed, looking pointedly at Eren, “You should have.”

Eren looked like wanted to swallow his shoes and die.

Hanji let it go. “Yes, well, he’ll probably show up soon anyway. He always comes looking for me if I’m out of his sight for more than five minutes. He says my alone time is terrifying.”

“Smart man,” Levi thought wondering just how much crazier Hanji would be if she didn’t have Moblit’s voice constantly reigning her in. He’d always liked the man precisely for that reason.

Hanji raised her glass before the others, obviously waiting for them to clink theirs against hers. Eren was the only one to raise his in return. Erwin simply knocked some of his back and levi, after sniffing at it disdainfully, took a measured sip as well.

Hanji, used to this sort of treatment from her two closest friends, paid it no mind and instead clinked her glass enthusiastically against Eren’s. “To adventures!” she cried.

“To peace and quiet,” Erwin muttered into his glass.

“Shut up old man,” Hanji said cheerfully. Setting her glass down on the table, seemingly forgetting to take a sip out of her excitement before leaping to her face. “Now who wants to play charades?”

“What are you, five?” Levi asked as he curled into Erwin’s side.

“Ignore him, Eren,” Hanji said easily, “It’s just been so long since he’s had any fun that he’s forgotten how.”

“What are you talking about?” Erwin protested, “He has plenty of fun with me.”

“Sex doesn’t count.”

“ _You_ don’t count,” Levi countered, obviously the best backup a boyfriend could ever ask for.

“Now who’s five?” Hanji said with a grin before throwing herself at both of them.

Neither of the elite soldiers had time to prepare for Hanji’s ultimate belly flop attack, and as such, each suffered major casualties—Erwin got a kick in the shin and Levi ended up with a mouthful of hair.

“Oh god!” Levi protested as he spluttered violently. “When’s the last time you washed that mangy forest of yours?”

Hanji looked genuinely puzzled as she tried to remember. The long seconds of silence were answer enough. Levi tried to keep the contents of his stomach down, and, in an attempt to wash out the taste in his mouth, swallowed another mouthful of wine. Eren had already finished his glass in a clear show of nervousness.

Hanji nudged herself between Levi and Erwin and let out a contented sigh that neither Erwin nor Levi reciprocated.

“Your elbow is puncturing my spleen,” Erwin informed her.

“So grow a new one,” she said, snuggling into his side, and, as Levi saw it, _his_ spot.

“Oi! I was sitting there you filthy mongrel,” Levi barked.

“Oh yeah, thanks for warming it for me,” Hanji answered, “Much obliged.”

Levi felt his annoyance rise up inside of him like a physical force. “That’s it,” he announced, pushing his sleeves up to his elbows, “You’re going to die.”

Hanji pulled Erwin’s arm over her shoulder and made a show of snuggling into the blonde even deeper. “Bring it, Tiny.”

Erwin managed to take another sip of his wine despite his friends’ motions beside him. “Behave,” he instructed the both of them, giving them the look they’d dubbed “Papa’s angry face.”

“But she—“

“Levi…”

_Shit,_ Levi thought _How am I supposed to argue with him when he shoots me point blank with those damn eyebrows?_

He found himself unwilling to look away from Erwin’s baby blues. _So goddamn gorgeous_ Levi noted appreciatively _Just touch me already._

But instead of wrapping Levi up in arms full of lustful intent, the blonde commander pressed a kiss to Hanji’s temple. Levi’s teeth clacked together with his sense of injustice. _He_ hadn’t gotten a kiss.

Well, he had gotten _one_ just when Erwin had come home. Levi had thrown himself at the man before he’d even fully stepped out of the carriage and attacked his mouth with the type of enthusiastic hunger one usually reserved for their favorite meal. But that had only been a single kiss, and not nearly enough to make up for the week Erwin had been gone.

“Don’t look so betrayed,” Hanji told him, “It’s not like you’ve got a monopoly

Levi was pondering whether to knock Hanji aside or to simply climb over her in his journey to get to Erwin when he was interrupted by the sound of the Titan shifter’s voice.

“If the captain really doesn’t want me, then I think it’s best if I go back to my room.”

They all turned to look at him. “No way!” Hanji protested, “You’ve only just gotten here. Why would you want to leave?”

Eren rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. “I just—“

“It’s these gross ass gaytards, isn’t it?” Hanji said with a knowing shake of the head, “They’re supremely off-putting, I know. I hope you haven’t just eaten.”

“No it’s—“

“I can tell them to stop if you want, but that doesn’t usually do anyth—“

“Hanji, just shut up for one shitlicking second,” Levi barked as alarm bells went off in his head. He’d been distracted by Hanji and his need to knock her unconscious so he hadn’t noticed the state of the dark haired recruit for some time, but now that he was looking at him he saw that the boy was awfully pale.

“What’s wrong, Eren?” he demanded, pushing Hanji aside and meaning to stand up. Only when he put pressure on his legs they felt oddly jelly like.

“I feel funny,” Eren blurted, pressing his hand to his face, “My head feels like it’s going in all the wrong directions.”

“Hell, Hanji, how much alcohol did you give the poor kid?” Erwin asked, sitting up and taking notice as he set his empty glass down on the floor beside the couch.

“Only as much as you two,” she answered, sounding oddly excited about the thought.

At that point Eren struggled to stand, but as he did he keeled right over and hit the floor face-first.

“Eren!” Levi called out, forcing himself forward even though it already felt like he was slogging through sand.

But he’d only taken about four steps when he found something funny going on in front of him. Eren’s outline was blurring, and so was everything else in the room.

“The hell?” he mumbled, feeling the words heavy and unwieldy on his tongue, “What’s happening to—“

But he stopped talking as he felt the floor tilting back crazily in an attempt to throw him to the ground. He stumbled, but forced himself to remain standing, though now everything seemed to be weaving together and twisting back and forth.

“Levi!”

Even Erwin’s voice, as it called out to him, sounded distorted to his ears, so he forced his eyes over his shoulders to take the man in—only to find that it appeared as though there were two of them. Normally, the idea of two Erwins would have delighted him, but everything else was doubling and tripling to his eyes right now and he couldn’t concentrate on any of it due to the buzzing sound that was filling his head and ears.

Erwin reached for him, stumbling to his feet, but the large blonde didn’t even take one full step before he sank to his knees, clutching his head.

Levi felt his heart leap into his throat. _No,_ he thought desperately, seeing Erwin fall onto all fours _No, you have to be okay_. Because there was no way he was going to allow a world to exist in which Erwin was hurt. Not his Erwin. His eyes swiveled around desperately for help, and found the only unaffected occupant in the room. Levi looked at Hanji’s analytical expression, and then to her untouched wine glass sitting on the side table and sick understanding flooded his chest.

“What did you _do_?” he demanded—only the words didn’t come out the way he wanted them to. In fact, the sounds translated to nothing more than a gurgle before he fell forward.

Hanji leapt forward and caught him before he could hit the floor, and whispered, “Don’t worry, he’s fine. I swear it’s not permanent.”

But even though he trusted Hanji, and he knew she wouldn’t lie to him about Erwin’s health, he still couldn’t help feeling a jolt of oozing foreboding slither into his stomach just as the blackness in the corners of his eyes engulfed his vision.

_Fucking cockblocker_ was his last thought before he drifted off into unconsciousness, his mind dead to the world.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The gentle fingers through his hair were what helped drag Levi up through the slogs of unconsciousness and back into a world where he could think and feel. Acutely aware of the pounding in his temples, Levi cracked his eyes open, hissing as the light of the room attacked his sensitive retinas.

“Levi…”

The sound was intensely familiar, but because it sounded slightly off he couldn’t quite place it in his disorientation.

“Levi, can you hear me?” The voice sounded a bit panicked, though Levi could hear the notes of strain in it as the person tried, for his sake, to hold back far stronger strains of panic.

Levi realized he was lying in a bed, facing the wall, and the voice was on the other side of him. With a deep groan, he forced himself to swivel around and face the intimately familiar voice head on.

Only when he finally blinked the person into focus, he realized what he was looking at was impossible, and the cry that left his throat was instinctive.

Because even though it took a lot to knock Levi off balance, seeing his own face staring down at him was a little more than he could bear.

“What the _fuck!”_ he yelped, scrambling backward on the bed. The suddenness of the motion caused the sledgehammers in his head to beat at his brain with even greater intensity. He finally understood why the voice had seemed so familiar. It was because it was his own voice. _His_ voice, speaking down at _him_. The only reason he hadn’t recognized it was because hearing it from outside of himself caused it to sound differently than it normally did.

But there was something even more horrifying than hearing your own voice, and that was hearing another person’s voice come from your throat, which was precisely what Levi was hearing right now.

“Holy shit!” he shouted in Eren’s voice, knowing that whatever was happening was clearly the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

“It’s me, Levi,” said the Levi clone, reaching for him once more, and looking at him with both concern and relief. “It’s _me._ ”

Levi wanted to slap the face that was his and shout of course it’s _you,_ you idiot. I know that face better than I know even Erwin’s…

Erwin…

Erwin!

Levi’s eyes shot open to maximum wideness as he finally understood exactly who was talking to him. Because even though the eyes were _his_ usual slate grey, the expression in them could belong to one man, and one man only.

“Erwin…?” Levi murmured, stopping his scrambling motion to look up at the other.

An exhausted looking smile crossed the man’s face. Levi couldn’t help feeling totally weirded out by the sight of it because it was utterly bizarre seeing the commander’s smile on his own face.

“Yes,” Erwin breathed, because there was no doubt in Levi’s mind that the man standing before him _was_ Erwin. They’d known each other for over fifteen years, and been together intimately as lovers for over five, and so when Levi saw something as Erwin’s, no matter how confusing the context, he knew not to doubt it.

Levi didn’t stop Erwin as the other man reached out for him and cradled his face in his hands, but he did ask a question. “ _How?”_

Erwin sighed and sat down on the bed beside him, pushing Levi’s hair off of his face. The captain felt the familiar little tingles that accompanied Erwin’s touch even though his brain was aware that the hand that was touching him was his own. He had a feeling that if he let himself analyze that fact he’d have to plunk himself down in front of a mental health professional.

“I’m not exactly sure seeing as I only just woke up myself” Erwin began, gritting his teeth, “But I’m pretty sure Hanji has a lot to answer for.”

It was as if the woman was waiting precisely for that introduction, because at that moment she threw open the door and waltzed in with deranged excitement across her face.

“Levi!” she crowed, spreading her arms wide as she raced toward him. “I’m so happy you’re awake!”

Levi was going to throw every single curse known to man as well as some that he had invented himself at her, but first his brain had to process the person trailing after the woman into the room who happened to be an exact replica of Erwin Smith.

No. Not a replica. It _was_ Erwin. Levi could swear on it. The features were exact, only...Erwin was already sitting right beside him in Levi’s body and that meant…”

“Captain!” Erwin’s body exclaimed, “You’re...you’re…”

Levi felt all the blood drain from his face. Those eyes. That expression. The reverent and slightly trembling tone used to greet him all pointed directly to the identity of the person currently housed in his lover’s body.

And then it all made sense, because having heard the voice that had issued from his throat, he knew who _he_ was currently inhabiting as well. And no switch, no matter how varied, could have horrified him as much as it did now.

“I’m you,” he blurted in a stunned revelation, “And Erwin is me, and you, shitty brat, are completely trespassing in my commander’s body.”

He threw off the blankets and jumped to his feet even as Erwin raised a hand to pull him back down. But Levi merely threw the hand off and stalked toward the only woman in the room.

“And _you,_ ” he spat at her, “Are going to be dead before you can ever lay hand on a beaker or experimental pipette ever again.”

“Go right ahead,” Hanji prompted him, opening her arms wide in an image of vulnerability. “Kill me. Be my guest. I just hope you enjoy staying in the body of a subordinate Titan shifter for the rest of your life.”

Hanji was brilliant, beautiful, and far outside of the realm of normality, but right now all she was to Levi was a pain in the ass.

He grabbed hold of her shirt front, and felt a bit thrown off. Even though only a few inches in height separated him from Eren, when you were as short as Levi normally was, a few inches could seem like a whole world, and as he glared at Hanji, he realized that for the first time they were nearly eye to eye. It made him forget the exact wording for his oncoming threat, and so he blinked, and instead mumbled, “This is so weird.”

“ _You_ think it’s weird,” Erwin said, reaching Levi and placing a hand on his shoulder. “I haven’t been this close to the ground since I was ten.”

Even though Erwin was the only one who was allowed to make comments about his height and walk away with his limbs mostly intact, the pain in Levi’s temples was making him touchier than usual. He whipped around and shoved at Erwin with a growled, “Shut up, assface.”

Levi, who was used to Erwin being built like a solid oak, was shocked when his shove caused the man to stumble back. Eren’s body wasn’t that strong, but Erwin was now a hell of a lot smaller. Levi grabbed Erwin’s arm to steady him, feeling the strangeness of grabbing what appeared to be his own arm. He realized with a shock that Erwin was now smaller than he was, and that came with certain responsibilities. It meant Levi had to, for the first time, pay attention to his actions. In his usual body he never had to worry about hurting Erwin. The commander had been an unmovable force, a solid slab of a man on whom Levi could lean all his weight and the man would bear it easily.But that was no longer the case. Though Levi knew his body was strong, it wasn’t _that_ strong. He’d gotten the title “Humanity’s strongest” not from brute strength, but from his skill with a sword and his lightning fast reflexes.

Levi looked up into Erwin’s eyes, seeing past the grey and into the expression that lay there that was entirely Erwin’s, and realized just how much this transformation changed things. Erwin had lost so much. He’d lost his strength, prestige, and almost painful handsomeness. Levi had never been ashamed of his body. It was a good body that served him well and allowed him to accept Erwin’s love, but seeing Erwin housed in it, he couldn’t help but see all the ways in which it lacked now that a much greater man than he was housed within it.

But as Levi looked at Erwin, he saw no loss in them. Just relief, and a very familiar love.

“Levi,” Erwin murmured, taking hold of Levi’s hands and pulling him close. “You’re okay, right?”

When Levi had first seen Erwin for the first time, he’d seen a man of power, influence, and phenomenal intellectual acuity. But because of the less than comradely nature of their meeting, Levi hadn’t seen the rest of Erwin’s positive qualities until later. His self-sacrifice, his intense dedication and ruthless determination, and his constant and pressing need to protect all of humanity. Levi had fallen for that man. He’d fallen for him hard, and faster than his brain had been able to keep up with, and it hadn’t changed. So even as he looked at him now after so many years (and now a drastic physical alteration) he felt that familiar burning love that held him up on his darkest days and made life a pleasure rather than a chore.

“Fine,” Levi answered gruffly, giving Erwin’s hands a brief squeeze before letting go and turning back to face Hanji, “But what are we going to do about this shit?”

Though Erwin’s presence was soothing, and the light hand he placed against his lower back made him a whole lot less panicked about the situation, Levi didn’t allow that to affect the intensity level of the glare he directed toward Hanji, who, he thought, deserved to be shoved down a Titan’s esophagus.

“You’re going to turn us back,” he hissed, “And you’re going to do it now.”

Hanji’s smile was serene, and not at all indicating a fear of being decapitated by the growly captain. “Sorry, buddy, no can do until I get my lab back.”

Levi stared at her blankly, and then understanding dawned as he remembered Hanji’s suspension and the consensual loss of all her experimental facilities.

Hanji laughed and patted his head. “Oh come on, Levi, don’t look at me like that. It’s not _that_ bad. I do have a working antidote, but the solution is a complicated one, and I don’t remember it. But I do have it saved in my equipment somewhere, so I’ll retrieve it in a month and you’ll be returned to your body then.”

Levi’s understanding had quickly turned to the kind of horror usually reserved for his worst nightmares.

“A _month?”_ he repeated, making the word sound like something filthy. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this body for a month?”

Hanji shrugged. “I don’t know. I suppose all the things that Eren usually does in it, seeing as we can’t tell anyone about the transformation.”

“WHAT?”

Levi had been more surprised before. It had happened when Erwin had confessed his feelings to him, and it had happened when he’d heard the news about Eren, the first Titan shifter, but it hadn’t happened too many times other than that.

“Well if word gets out that I did an experiment when I was strictly forbidden from doing so, then I’ll be thrown out of the corps, and what would you sad saps do without me?”

Levi wanted to smack her upside the head and yell that she was more of a hindrance than a help, but he held back because he knew that wasn’t true. Hanji was Erwin’s right hand woman. Her tactical brilliance and her lightning quick mind made her an invaluable tool when making expedition strategies and addressing the council. Without Hanji they’d have fallen on their faces ages ago. Hanji was just as necessary as Erwin himself was. So he knew she was right. Until they were changed back they could not let it get back to the higher ups what had happened, but that meant…

“So you’re saying I have to act like a little bratty recruit for a _month_?” he demanded more horrified than that time he accidentally got Titan saliva all over him.

Hanji lost her bouncy smile for a moment and looked at him with full seriousness. “You’re not looking at the full scope of the issue.”

Levi felt the hand on his back curl into his shirt, and then Erwin spoke. “We’re going to have a fifteen year old boy commanding the survey corps through an expedition.”

Levi felt the blood drain out of his face. Expedition? What expedition? His eyes that were on Hanji’s face, watched the woman’s eyes go wide. It seemed she didn’t know either.

But no one’s reaction was more extreme than Eren’s.

“ _What_?” Eren cried throwing his hands up and tugging at his hair. Levi wanted to smack him for that. Erwin’s hair, which had already been slightly mussed from the whole transformation ordeal, was destroyed entirely by Eren’s motions. He realized that it seemed even weirder to see Erwin making these desperate motions than to see someone else piloting his own body. He was looking at the body of his lover, but every one of the mannerisms screamed “shitty Titan shifting brat.”

“I can’t lead an expedition!” Eren shouted. “Everyone will die!”

”Thanks for that Commander Obvious,” Levi snapped. “We all know you’re entirely useless.”

The only word he’d said that seemed to resonate with Eren was the word “Commander” and he turned a nauseating shade of green as a result.

Erwin sighed and instinctively began to rub soothing circles into Levi’s back despite the fact that his anxiety was well hidden. Erwin was always able to perceive everything when it came to Levi.

“I only got the news several hours ago. I was going to tell you all tonight. The funding came in for the expedition and it’s to leave in two weeks’ time.”

Hanji’s hand flew to her mouth. “I didn’t know,” she breathed. “I never would have done this if I’d known that.”

“You should never have done it, period!” Levi barked. “What on earth possessed you to do this?”

She frowned and bit her lip. “I was so _bored_.”

Of course. He could have guessed that.

Many times people feared Levi, and the anger he could express, but Levi knew that his anger had nothing on the destructive power that Hanji’s boredom held. One only had to talk to the victims that had arisen because of it to know Levi’s opinion was a true one.

“I had nothing, Levi,” she whined. “My work, my love, it was all gone. I needed an experiment. I _needed_ one.”

The worst thing was that Levi actually felt for the woman. He didn’t know if he’d taken too many falls in the pursuit of killing Titans, or if Hanji’s craziness had started to rub off on him, but he felt his heart go out to the woman despite his current anger. Because for Hanji to go without her lab for a month was like him going without Erwin for a month, or WORSE his favorite household cleanser. But still, even if he could understand, it didn’t mean he wasn’t going to rail on her.

“We all could have _died_ for all you know!” he shouted.

Hanji snorted. “Of course you wouldn’t have. I made sure to test it on myself, after all. Oh. And Moblit too, I guess.”

Levi’s face went blank. There just wasn’t an expression in his arsenal good enough to express what he was feeling.

“ _You_ switched with _Moblit?”_ Erwin asked, taking over from where Levi’s vocal chords failed him. “ _When_?”

“Last month,” she answered, looking happy to see they were taking interest.

Levi continued to stare at her, but then a trickle of something began to seep into his brain. _Wait a minute…_

“Was that the time Moblit went totally nuts and you excused it as him having an intensely high fever before you locked him in his room for the day?” Erwin asked, looking like he wanted to squeeze an orange to smithereens.

Hanji crossed her arms over her chest. “He was so _mean_ to me,” she huffed, “But apparently he got away with it because you guys are used to seeing me abuse him and didn’t think anything was out of the ordinary.”

“I still can’t believe I know you,” Levi muttered, wanting to join Erwin in the orange/smithereens thing.

“I still can’t believe I let her join the corps,” Erwin agreed.

“And I can’t believe I actually call you douchebutts my friends,” Hanji muttered, wearing her look-at-the-boys-being-mean-to-me-again face. It wasn’t until Eren’s shout that they all got back on point.

“But what the hell am I doing here!”

Levi glanced over to the boy and found that the boy had managed to mess up Erwin’s hair even more than before. He quickly ran through a mental list of all the ways he was going to kill the boy.

Erwin was more useful. “Yes. Good question, Eren. What the hell is he doing here, Hanji?”

Hanji beamed, her mopey face already a thing of the distant past. “Isn’t it wonderful? I wanted to do another switch, and couldn’t imagine getting away with it without it including you two, but I didn’t think you guys would care that much if you merely switched bodies with each other, but with Eren involved I could guarantee that no matter how the body switches ended up it would be hilarious.”

“So...I’m here for comic relief?” Eren asked. For someone who was so used to being the main character, this was a huge downward hit for him.

Hanji clapped him on the back. “Nonsense! It’s for science, Eren. _Science_ \--only the greatest force we humans are capable of. You should be honored.”

“I just feel like I’m going to throw up.”

“That’s just one of the solutions side effects, it’ll fade within the hour, as will any sign of blurred vision, headache, or dry mouth.”

“Oh good,” Erwin said, relief clear in his voice, “I was starting to think that Levi had always had terrible vision and just hadn’t told me.”

“Don’t ‘ _oh good’_ her, Erwin!” Levi snapped. “You should tell her she’s an asshole for doing this.”

And so saying, he turned around and barked to her directly. “You’re an asshole for doing this.”

She shrugged. “I’m surprisingly okay with that.”

Erwin pushed his new hair out of his face and began to pace. “You shouldn’t be,” he admonished. “We’ve only got two weeks before the expedition. Is there really no way you can create the antidote before then?”

Hanji shook her head. “We don’t have time for extensive animal testing, and I’m not willing to randomly give you solutions to test while I struggle to remember the correct formula. After that time Moblit’s hair turned purple and he steamed from the ears I’ve been wary of that kind of experimentation.”

“And yet you _still_ transformed us!” Levi shouted.

“Hey, that was a safe and tested formula.”

“I’m sorry, but testing it once on your crazy self and your enabling guinea pig of a lab assistant doesn’t earn the stupid stuff the title ‘tested formu--”

“He’s not a guinea pig, he’s a lab rat,” Hanji sniffed, “It sounds way more official that way.”

“You’re missing the point!”

“You’re both missing the point,” Erwin pointed out, pausing his pacing. “What’s done is done, Levi, let it go. We need the formula, so I’m going to try and get it. Naturally it would have been better if my body went with me, but I doubt Eren’s up for the kind of psychological warfare necessary when it comes to dueling with the council. And Levi, I love you, but you have zero people skills to speak of, and it doesn’t help that you’re in the body of a fifteen year old boy with control issues, so I’ll be doing this alone. Hanji, you run diagnostics to make sure there aren’t any side effects you may have overlooked. If you end up causing permanent damage to my captain, I’ll kill you in some obscene way I haven’t yet devised, but rest assured it will be gruesome. Now all of you behave, I’ll be back soon.”

And with these efficient and confident words, Erwin stormed toward the door.

Now, usually, Erwin’s exits were a work of art. His large and powerful body gave him enormous presence, and Levi always swooned seeing it go all badass, but even he had to admit that seeing Erwin’s normal swagger on his own small body was not the most elegant of images.

Hanji snickered. “He’s going to get his ass handed to him.”

“I will _not_ ,” Erwin protested, giving her a meaningful growly look just before he slipped through the door.

When the door closed behind him, Levi crossed his arms over his chest and then stomped back onto the bed and threw himself across it. He allowed himself this overly dramatic action because he was a teenager now, and everyone knew that teenagers survived on whining and fits of melodrama.

“God, Levi, just because you’re technically a teenager now that doesn’t mean you have to resort to fits of melodrama,” Hanji said.

“Shut up, shitty glasses, you know nothing,” was Levi’s great comeback.

Meanwhile Eren twitched around nervously in the corner. After half a minute of watching this, Levi couldn’t take it anymore.

“Will you at least turn around if you’re going to do that?” he snapped, “Looking at an anxious self-conscious Erwin is going to give me diarrhea.”

“Sorry, sir,” Eren mumbled, forcing his hands to stop picking at each other by clenching them into fists.

“God you make his voice sound so annoying. Do you know what a tragedy that is?”

“I apologize, sir.”

Levi inwardly screamed.

He’d never really resented Eren before. In fact, he had a modicum of respect for the boy’s determination. But right now Levi saw him as nothing more than a dreadful body snatcher. He looked at the boy, trying to just see and enjoy Erwin’s body, but he couldn’t. The way he was standing was all wrong. He was hunched over as if trying to hide his sudden hugeness. And his face was still full of that antsy anxiety. He loved the body in front of his eyes, but right now all he could see when he looked at it was Eren.

“Damn it!” Levi hissed, kicking at the bedframe mutinously. Eren opened his mouth as if to apologize, but Levi sent him a quelling look that made the boy snap it shut again.

Hanji looked like she wanted to point out how much he resembled a three year old right now, but then the door swung open and she turned to face it.

Levi, who’d half gotten his hopes up that Erwin had somehow managed to hurry back so quickly, let them fall again as Moblit hurried in looking harried. Hanji though was delighted. “Another raging success, Moblit. You’re going to love it.”

Moblit developed a look of instant constipation. “Oh no,” he moaned. “Don’t tell me—“

Levi pushed himself up onto his elbows and glowered. “ _You’re_ her babysitter. _You’re_ supposed to be watching her to make sure this shit is kept to an absolute minimum.”

Moblit blinked, taking in the body of the recruit, and developed an expression that looked like he’d just been bitten on the ass by a particularly vicious snake. “Is that you, Captain?”

Levi snapped his teeth together. “No. I’m a fucking giraffe. What the hell do you think, Berner?”

Moblit groaned and turned to an ever unrepentant Hanji. “Squad leader, I thought they confiscated everything.”

The grin Hanji made then was both so evil and proud that Levi wasn’t sure what to make of it. Douse her in maneuver gear fuel and burn her, probably. “I had the formula for the transformation solution in the pocket of my uniform the day they took everything, and since they didn’t sink low enough to strip search me, well…from there it was only a matter of acquiring the necessary components through unorthodox methods.”

Moblit looked like he either needed a tranquilizer or an infinitely long vacation.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he sighed.

She poked his forehead. “Uh, _duh_ —because after we went back to our respective forms after our trial run you said, and I quote ‘if I ever so much as _see_ that stuff again I’m going to drown myself in my own bodily fluids.’”

“Wait, I said that to _Nanaba_ …”

“Yes, well, I like to eavesdrop.”

“Squad leader—“

“Don’t bother, Moblit, I’m immune to rebuke. Just ask Levi, he knows.”

Levi simply groaned in response. It was answer enough.

Moblit sighed again. He did that a lot around Hanji. “The antidote—“

“Sealed up tighter than your virginity,” Hanji said with a devilish grin.

Moblit smacked himself in the face.

Levi didn’t think for a second that Moblit was actually a virgin. He had the whole “good guy” vibe that had so many of the recruits falling over him every year, but his logic was never enough to convince Hanji otherwise.

“How many people are involved?” Moblit asked, so used to Hanji’s jibes that it slid right off of him.

“Oh--just Levi, Erwin and Eren,” Hanji informed him breezily.

“ _Only_?” Levi spat.

He was ignored.

Moblit moved to the sink in the room and opened the cabinet above it to remove several glasses. “I’m sorry Eren. Squad leader usually keeps her pranks on her close friends only. I can’t imagine how it was that she got you involved.”

“You underestimate her evilness,” Levi snarled.

Moblit filled the glasses and then handed one to both Levi and Eren. “No I don’t. She just evolves too quickly to keep up with. She’s a force of nature.”

“Stop saying that with a reverential air! It’s not a compliment.”

“You’re just jealous because Erwin doesn’t compliment you enough,” Hanji said.

“He does too.”

“Um…everyone. Are you sure you want me to be hearing all this?”

Everyone turned to face Eren, and Levi nearly had a heart attack. Erwin’s body had his arms crossed over his middle as he twitched and fidgeted and looked at the ground. It was the scariest thing he’d ever seen.

“It’s just…you’re all my superiors. And even though I’ll respect you no matter what…” Eren blushed, and maybe that was the first right thing he’d done all day, because Levi’s mouth fell open as the rose tint creeped across Erwin’s body’s cheeks like the setting sun. Eren looked up and fixed Levi with that hot determination that was his specialty, and said, “I’m not worthy to see you all this relaxed. I’m a subordinate. I don’t want to forget my place.”

Levi took a second to get his voice back. His throat was still too damn dry. He snorted and then chugged his water. When he finished he smacked the glass down on a nearby small table and said, “That’s the least of our worries right now. We’re not going to get ourselves worked up over fucking details. We have to focus.”

“But—“

“Shut up, jaeger. If you want to waste your energy do it trying to learn some of Erwin’s mannerisms. You’re making me sick over there.”

“Yes, sir!”

“Erwin never calls me sir.”

“What?”

“He would never call me by anything but my name. If you’re going to start imitating him, start with that.”

Levi didn’t know why he was doing this, trying to calm the kid down. Maybe because his anxiety was infectious and he didn’t want it to spread to himself, but more likely it was because he didn’t like seeing discomfort in the body of the man he loved.

“Yes, l-levi.”

“Again. Without stuttering this time.”

“Please, sir—“

“Jaeger!”

Eren flinched and covered his face with his hands. Great. He’d gone and made it worse. Levi stood up and walked over to the boy. His hands ached to wrap themselves around Erwin’s body. He wanted comfort now. Everything was so awful and confusing. He wanted the familiar love of Erwin’s arms. He couldn’t have that now. But he also couldn’t deny himself of it entirely. He placed his hand on Eren’s arm. “Take a deep breath.”

Eren froze beneath his touch. Levi watched the familiar muscles in Erwin’s forearm clench and ripple beneath the skin. Movements like that generally didn’t happen around Levi. There was only one kind of instance it usually happened in, and Levi couldn’t think about that now.

_Don’t picture it. Not Erwin’s orgasming face. Not that. Anything but that right now._

Too late. He felt it too. The feeling of when Erwin’s entire body tensed as they were flushed together, and then his hips would snap and Levi would be flooded by him, by Erwin, and that was always an everything moment when the world’s focus was sharpened and his senses became more. It was always then that Levi was able to feel Erwin’s love like a physical thing, a warm and heavy blanket.

“Levi’s right,” Moblit said, “We should all take a deep breath. If we’re calm then everything will remain under control.”

The door banged open. Once again everyone’s heads snapped to the side, and there stood Erwin in all his new tiny glory looking like he’d just swallowed a pack of rusty nails.

Levi rushed forward, sensing the worst. “Did you--?”

Erwin’s face changed. Now it looked like he had a bad case of gastritis.

“What is it?”

“Now Levi, before I say anything I just want you to remember that you’re very fond of me.”

Levi’s stomach sank down to his rectum.

“What did you do?”

“Please let the record reflect that my intentions were pure and--

Levi grabbed Erwin’s shirt and got a handful of his own cravat. “What. Did you. Do?”

“Let me hear you say that you love me first.”

“I _told_ you he was going to get his ass handed to him,” Hanji muttered.

“Shut up!” Levi turned back to Erwin. “Just tell me.”

Erwin was sweating. That was a very bad thing. Bad enough to keep him from recognizing the strangeness of shouting at his own face.

Erwin bit his lip. Levi felt himself soften. He touched Erwin’s face. It was strange not to have to reach up to do that. “It’s okay.” He leaned forward and spoke softly so that only Erwin would be able to hear. “I know that you would never purposefully do anything to hurt me. What happened? Ae you all right?”

If anything Erwin’s case of gas got worse, and now there was a distinct measure of guilt in his expression. He groaned. “Don’t look at me like that, Levi. I feel bad enough already.”

“You went and made it worse, didn’t you?” Hanji drawled.

Erwin cracked. “Two months.”

All around him faces melted in horror. And then Levi understood.

“You got us a whole extra fucking month in these bodies?”

Erwin flinched and reached for Levi’s hands—the hands that were nearly strangling Erwin.

“I don’t believe this!”

“I know you’re upset…”

“Upset? _Upset_?” Levi could feel his voice rising to uncomfortable levels of squeakiness and blamed Eren’s body with all his mental strength. “Upset is when you stay late in the office while I’m waiting for you at dinner. Upset is when you sit on one of my shirts after I’ve just finished ironing it. Earning me an entire month in the body of a volatile teenager with a bloodthirstiness that rivals my cleanliness is not me being _upset_.”

“Okay. Pissed the fuck off. And I understand that. And I’ll accept the responsibility for everything.”

“It’s not about responsibility! It’s about surviving this stupid fucking—“

“I’m really sorry, Levi.”

The captain stopped. Erwin’s head had fallen forward against Levi’s chest, something that could never have happened before in a standing position. With a small sense of awe, Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin and marveled over the ability to completely encase the man he loved with his body.

“I really thought the plan would work,” Erwin continued from within Levi’s chest. “If I’d thought this would happen I never would have went.”

Levi pressed his hand into Erwin’s hair. He made sure to keep his voice gentle as he spoke the next words. He knew Erwin was the same man he had been before, but seeing him so small made a need to protect ache in Levi. “What happened?”

Erwin sighed and lifted his face. He was so cute when he looked up at him like that. Of course it was also creepy as fuck because it was his own face, but Levi was trying desperately to think positively (something that did not come naturally to him by any means.)

“I tried to reason with the guards, promising them reward for cooperating and that by letting me slip inside the lab they’d be doing a great favor to humanity and—“

“They laughed at you,” Levi finished.

Erwin blinked. “How did you know?”

“Because there’s no way I would ever spill any of that floofy patriotic crap, even if my life depended on it.”

“They still shouldn’t have laughed. It made me angry.”

“Oh no.”

“I started to argue with them.”

Now Erwin arguing was usually intimidating, because when a wall of muscle shouted down at you from over 6 feet people tended to listen. But when a tiny little man who usually made poop jokes suddenly started shouting in a matter completely unlike himself, the only thing people tended to do was laugh their asses off.

“It didn’t help. They started taking pot shots at me, and when I threatened them, they laughed some more. Finally it got physical—“

“oh please tell me you didn’t—“

“And I could have taken them and forced the key off them, but then reinforcements showed up and the next thing I knew—“

“The sentence had been extended another month. Yeah, I get it.”

Erwin hung his head. “I’m sorry. I should have kept my head and tried again, or sent Eren in my place after a little coaching. But this—“

“You’re stressed out, commander” Moblit said, coming toward Erwin with another glass of water. “Anyone would be.”

Erwin accepted the water and downed it, looking none too happy.

Levi wasn’t sure what to say. Everyone else looked pretty speechless too. Except, of course, for a certain brunette, who clapped her hands together and didn’t look nearly as upset as she should.

“Right, well, there’s no point in dwelling on the past. Let’s get to work!”

“Past?” Levi spat. “We’re still in the present.”

Hanji clapped her hands again. Levi wanted to clap too--his hands against her head. Hanji slid to the front of the room and then whipped around, finger pointing at them all.

“All of you, line up!”

They all stood there except for Moblit, who jumped to the task.

“Not you,” Hanji said and rolled her eyes. “The other three. Get in a line.”

Eren began to slink forward, but as he passed, Levi shot his hand out and grabbed his wrist. “I don’t think any of us are feeling particularly charitable toward you at the moment. Why should we listen?”

“Well first, because I’m a genius, and all my ideas are brilliant” Hanji said, and tossed her hair.

“Oh yes, this last idea of yours was just _so_ intelligent I could hardly—“

“And second, because we only have a couple of hours to completely transform you into each other before dawn.”

Levi looked at Erwin. Erwin looked at Levi and then they both looked at Eren as a pitiful moan escaped the boy. Even if all of their mannerisms didn’t match the current bodies they were housed in, all were easy to read, and all said the same thing.

_We are so fucking screwed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What are you talking about? I'm totally allowed to update a fic that I haven't touched in months while i'm supposed to be working on a different fic. *shuffles off to the side guiltily*  
> Don't worry I havne't forgotten all my other fics *ducks to dodge all the rotten fruit launched at me*

**Author's Note:**

> Well, here we are again at the start of a fic that's sure to be too damn long for my own sanity *cracks knuckles* once again Hanji is at the heart of the matter--but isn't she always?  
> Yes, the first chapter is just a taste, but you know I'll try my hardest to get the next chapter up within a few days time. Here's to barely believable storylines and pervy old men *raises glass* Hope you guys enjoy, it's going to be a strange ride.


End file.
